Dead or Depressed

Let's talk about depression. It's something that we should be aware of, like cancer. Like cancer, it behaves like a disease and affects not only the patient but those around him, friends and family. It is not a sad mood and being sad is not the same as being depressed. Let's say that depression has got a bad rap by the way of the word being overused so much that by now when we hear someone say I'm depressed we smile a little tap him on a shoulder and wish him to sleep it off becasue we "know" how bad it is to be depressed. Let me clear one thig out of the way: WE DON'T!

And this is me writing this out of bed, after a roler coaster day of dark emotions finished by 40 minutes of desperation in bed while waiting for a pill to take an effect and put me to sleep last night. Today, I woke up tired, wanting to stay in bed because the pillows were so soft and so I did. I was happy, as opposed to yesterday I didn't feel utter hoplesness stright from the time I oppened my eyes. And that is, my dears, depression, the feeling of a pit in a stomach like someone died, no hope, no love, zero colours, you want to do something to make it go away but nothing's working. I had this feelinng unexplicably poped up few days ago and slowly building up into horriblness. I call myself lucky that the peak lasted one day (hopefully) and hopefully it'll go slowly away. However, what about those who live like this for weeks at a stretch? Truth be told, I don't blame suiciders at all. I don't blame the young girl in Netherlands who wanted to be euthanised after years of cripling depresion. Can you imagine you want to die? I do.

On the better days, I very easily forget how terrifying it is. I feel privileged that don't need to suffer from decisions like these, I feel ok, and often forget that I am also diagnosed with depression, and then it comes, unannounced... a smack in a face and a kick in stomach. Yes, it does surprise me every single time. How that happened again? What did I do wrong? I keep asking myself. The answer is: nothing. It's just who I am. I am naturally more melancholic, my mind exahausts easily. I was diagnosed with depression. I had to learn to take better care of myself, I needed to learn to recognise when my body and mind had enough.

I heard once someone say that depression is just a crude way of your body saying: Rest. It's a state when you've exhausted every possible fuel. You need to recharge. Trying to force your way out of it it with empty tank won't help.

Call in depressed

Even though people don't want to acknowedge it, depression acts like legimtimate sickness. I understand why they see it that way, it's not so clear and straight forward like a broken bone, you cannot easily say who is depressed, people learn to hide it very well due to prejudice and those who use it as a denomination for a sad mood. You also cannot transmit it to your colleagues in workplace or school (although I would disagree here a little), so you simply cannot call in depressed.

Those who know would agree with me that depression feels like regular sickness, you have no energy, you might have a headache, your mind is foggy and on top of that you feel pure desperation and in worst cases you want to die. Why would someone sick wanted to die rather than get well... exactly, why?

Treatments

In this case you might think, why not reach for a help, why not this or that? I see a healthy person who don't deserve to say such things. Well, trust me in most cases people reached for a help. However, some forms of depression respond well to pharmacological treatment, some just need therapy but some are heavily treatment resistant, not to mention that depression rarely comes alone, she usually barges in with a gang of others. My therapist once told me that there should be as many treatments available as there are depressed people. Not one is similar. The fact that depresion is still not well understood doesn't help the case either. But all hope is not lost. The way lies in kindnes and acceptance, thorough research, talk terapies, and self-love. I believe that a lot of cases of dysphoria and mild depression can be helped even heavy depression can be aleviated with proper approach. And here comes the hard part: it is up to us to learn our way.

It is up to us to stop thinking depression is just sadness, to stop belittling it in others and in us.